Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

Unnaturally tired, but I feel like posting about something that's been on my mind for a long time, but has again resurfaced in the last few days. So here goes. First actual in depth post in the last while.

I'm of Chinese decent. As Canadianized as I have become and despite being brought up in a very Canadian society, my heritage is essentially Chinese. Now, contrary to what seems to be the norm of any family with even a single parent of Chinese decent, my parents are unnaturally liberal. Anyone who knows anything about my home life and the freedom I have can testify to that. For those who don't, consider this: I am free to go out wherever and whenever as long as they know where I'm going and when I'll be back. They put up with my drumming practice and band practices are at my house because they maintain that it's important for me to have a hobby. I would be staying in residence even if I went to UofT because they believe staying in residence is a good experience and is important in building character. Ditto the reason for my mother saying that it's probably a good idea to date around in high school and university. They've never gotten in the way of me pursuing a hobby nor have they ever called my priorities into question, even if they don't understand them... and the list could go on and on and yes, I do love my parents to death.

Having said that, maybe it's this particularly broad-minded environment that I've been brought up in that's my frame of reference, and the reason why there are some things I can't understand when it comes to the never-ending power struggle between parents and their kid (especially teenagers). One thing I've learned is that firstly, parents almost ALWAYS do things with good intentions. Secondly, they usually believe they know what's best for their kid. Now, I'm probably pretty inaccurate in making this assertion, but from what I have seen, I believe it's more common amongst parents of Chinese decent to be more restrictive to their kids. I'm talking both guys and girls alike (although granted again, it seems to be more common among girls).

But I digress. Somewhere along the line of growing up, teens begin to form their own priorities. All of a sudden, parents discover that their kids are finding new priorities. Parents sometimes have a hard time relating to their child/teen/whatever to the extent of understanding why the kids prioritize "xyz" so highly. But not only that, they have a hard time understanding why kids prioritize xyz HIGHER than abc, "abc" being the thing that, in the mind of the parent, should be first (or near first) priority. Now this is the starting point of the power clash. ie, the parent says "you can't do xyz because it will get in the way of abc" and the kid either saying "but I think xyz is more important than abc" OR "xyz's not going to get in the way of abc." Of the two responses, parents tend to resent the first, and disbelieve the second.

Now we come to crux of the matter. At this point, it becomes a matter of trust. For example, the child can choose to trust his or her parent and say "ok, I won't do xyz because I trust you when you say it'll get in the way of abc". If that happens, it usually resolves the matter with little conflict, although it usually becomes tough on everyone who's linked to xyz. But what happens more often is that because the center of the conflict lies within the child, he/she tends to think "I know my priorities and abilities better than anyone. Yeah they're my parents, but I know myself better than they know me so I'm going to stand firm on this decision." And realistically, I don't think you can really blame the child for thinking that way. To an extent, it is true. Every human being on the face of this planet is different so obviously, everyone's going to have different values. This is where the parents can choose to trust their kids. This in itself is a huge step for parents (yes, your parents, believe it or not, are still learning about life). It's tough considering that most parents, regardless of what kind of child they have, still believe that they are right. So in essence, you're asking parents to trust their kids without understanding the reasons behind the choices the kids make. When you look at it from that point of view, it actually sounds pretty crazy doesn't it.

Now, I'm going to interject an opinion here and this I guess, is one of the driving factors behind me writing this. It's to ask this question: why do some (to avoid libel suits, I will not use a blanket statement) parents have such narrow views that they don't genuinely listen to their kids? Honestly, parents are not perfect, nor are they right 100% of the time and I think one of the things that drive some teens CRAZY is that their parents always assume their view is the right one and they don't admit they're wrong when they are. One of the things I've respected the most about my parents is that they're not afraid to admit once in a while that they made a mistake and apologize for it. Maybe it's seen as a sign of vulnerability, but as far as my parents go, my respect for them has shot through the roof ever since I discovered that they weren't afraid to apologize if they realize they made a mistake. Sometimes, parents need to genuinely listen to their kids. Fear not, the kid-bashing will come later in this post.

Nonetheless, some parents are actually crazy enough to believe their kids when they (the kids) say "This is really important to me" without voicing the inevitable question "how in the hell is this more important than abc?!" Sometimes, if your parents are unnaturally broad minded, they can actually put themselves in your shoes and understand why you find xyz so important and genuinely support you. Understand that this is RARE and it's not something that's reasonable to expect from your parents. But... trusting their kids without understanding their reasons is something that a parent can learn and it's part of the growing process. Obviously, as the child, you have to make sure you don't BLOW the chance if your parents are so good as to trust you without understanding your reasons for doing something. No matter what, you really should meet them halfway. If your parents give you a chance and trust you, make damn sure that they're justified in their trust.

So what happens when the kid doesn't trust the parents and the parents don't trust the kid? Well that's when stuff like doing things behind the parents' back and the crazy protective parents come into existence. And what happens sometimes in these cases is that BOTH sides end up telling lies. I'm not going to mince words. For example, when a parent talks to his/her daughter about a guy and says "I trust you. I just don't trust him" that, in my opinion, is absolute CRAP. If you genuinely trust your daughter, then you trust that she's made the right decision when she tells you the guy is a good, parent-worthy person until you're proven otherwise. If you don't trust him, then you don't trust your daughter's judgment that he's a good, parent-worthy person... which is ok from a parent's point of view. Not all parents genuinely trust their kids. But my point is that it's unreasonable to make these haphazard, oxymoron-like claims and expect your kid to know what in the hell you mean. If you don't trust your kids, tell them so they at least know they have work to do. Saying things like "I trust you. I just don't trust him" doesn't make your kid feel any better. More often than not, it just confuses them because most kids will find that remark contradictory.

And to the kids? (We on the home stretch now of this outrageously long post if I haven't lost you yet). I'm sorry, but saying things like "Well, I do things without telling my parents because they don't trust me" makes even less sense than parents saying "I trust you. I just don't trust him" Honestly, you obviously can't expect your parents to trust you if you do things without telling them! So what does this all boil down to? One word, and one word only: communication. Well... communication and understanding. So two words. Heard of the phrase "seek first to understand, then be understood"? Usually, if your parents are less broad-minded than you hope, realize that you're going to have to compromise first. This would entail finding out exactly what they want from you before worrying about anything else. If you can give them abc, then usually, they become more open to giving you xyz. Believe me, if you give your parents enough abc's, eventually they'll condescend to granting you a little bit of xyz. Just make sure you don't blow the chance.

Funny. This started out as a rant and kind of turned into a lecture. I've tried to remain objective and since I've very obviously failed, draw your own conclusions. And please remember, we're all friends here. It's ok for opinions to differ. So if you think that everything I've said above is completely and utterly wrong, feel free to write our your own opinion.

It's not actually 9:55 PM. That's when I started writing. It's actually 1:15 the next morning.

As I write this, I've been informed that cbox has gone kaput temporarily. Don't know for how long so put your shpiel in the comment box. Yeah, if you've ever wondered why I have both, this is why. It's an auxiliary.

Grant and Karen, you've both once spoken to me about writing stuff from inside. I'm making up for lost ground. Take care of yourselves and each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah! Fuck. Honestly, just when you think you've finally done something that'll work, you get informed that you forgot to take in a factor that you thought was negligible and boom, it turns around and bites your face off... and now things are in shambles. I screwed up.

"Top of the world, I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head, I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all"
-- On My Own

Unbelievable! A whole week of near perfect weather and no one's free to do anything!

create your own visited country map or check our Venice travel guide

Countries I have visted... and yes, this is going to lead into a rant.

You see that map up there? And you see that piece of land on the bottom right hand corner we call Australia? Well, that part would be RED by the end of the summer if I hadn't gotten a job a summer camp! We were eating dinner and I was informed that if I had failed in getting a job, my parents would have given me permission to go to Melbourne... Melbourne Australia!!!!!!!!!! Not only that, but living in Melbourne are my aunt, uncle, and two younger cousins whom I love with all my heart... whom I haven't seen for 7 years!

Blah, life goes on I guess.

I apologize to Ashlee Simpson fans in advance for this critique but for the love of god, that child cannot sing live to save her life! This is of course, in wake of the recent 2005 MMVAs.

1500 crunches seems a little much... who in their right mind has the time?

If you don't grab at the chance when it's right in front of you, sometimes it just slips through your fingers when you want it most.

Eh, today was alright. Grad was alright, lunch and afternoon were alright. Not really as monumental as grad probably should be but.......

Went to bed at around 11:30 last night. Thought about stuff... heard my watch beep 12... then 1... then 2... 3... by this time I was beginning to panic... 4... 5... sun began to rise... didn't hear my watch beep 6 so I assume I fell asleep before that. Slept for an hour, got up at 7, and went to school to do my 3 hour Calc exam.

Nature's candy indeed... this apple I'm eating is so damn sweet.

Maybe another sign of exams... these chronic and often short lived posts I make during this period. Maybe I'll pose a question. When is it considered cheating on your other half?

Studied outside today for a change. Wasn't that hard to focus actually, except for the times when you feel like lying back in the shade and falling asleep. But other than that...

I have 2 hours and 20 minutes to change my mind, if I feel like doing so in regards with universities. Deadlines for all the other universities is at midnight.

I found out that I turn into an inveterate junk food eater when under pressure during exam time. If it weren't for the fact that I'm seventeen, I'd have gained a good amount of weight by now.

Apparently, Mike Harris quote "married his fiance" today.

For your reading benefit, if anyone has the time. It's an article written by a woman... who posts every day about some random topic or another. Here's today's issue:

Sunday, June 05, 2005
A behavioral oddity

From the May 2005 issue of Discover (yes, I'm still shamefully far behind in my reading), in an article called "Think Tank," comes the following:

"The most important discovery in the last 25 years in systems neuroscience is the function of the dopamine neurons in the midbrain... the neurons fire brief bursts of spikes when a monkey is rewarded, but after a while the response to the reward goes away and instead the neurons respond to sensory stimuli that predict that a reward will be received in the near future."

HUH?!!

If the reward stops being exciting, that's one thing, but if the reward is still compelling enough that just the thought of getting it in the near future is stimulating, why would the response to the reward itself go away? Like so many other aspects of psychology, this is totally counterintuitive, but since it's been shown to exist in monkeys, and thus is almost certain to exist in humans, it's worth thinking about.

Sometimes people talk about feeling let down when they get some longed-for thing that they'd been all excited about receiving; that could be an example of this concept in action. The way that people who're wealthy enough to have everything tend to be miserable much of the time could certainly suggest that having gets old, that we have an intrinsic need to want things, to feel the desire for things we don't have. In the relationship arena, we've all seen people who were eagerly pursuing someone until they got them, after which they immediately lost interest. I think we could even make a case that those who talk about the journey or process being what's important, rather than the destination or result, are examples of this idea.

Clearly, then, this odd reaction scenario applies to humans, too... but WHY? What evolutionary advantage do we gain from it? I can see the benefit of being revved up by cues that a reward is on the way, as that would make us ready to grab it and more likely to actually get it, but why lose the rush from the reward itself... why not have responses to BOTH things to maximize our likelihood of going for the gold?

This one's got me stumped. It'll still be useful, though, both by providing a biological explanation for previously inexplicable emotional responses and by suggesting a useful tool for motivating other people; if a just handing over a reward isn't getting it done, switch to offering the idea that a reward might be forthcoming.

Does anyone besides me see this possibly tying into the equally counterintuitive concept of intermittent reinforcement, which refers to how we tend to pursue a thing more ardently if our efforts are only sporadically rewarded, even to the point of becoming obsessive about the pursuit (see my post of 9-10-04)? Hmmmmmmm.......

*article ends here*

Interesting is it not? Part of my daily readings along with adrock2xander's blog... but the latter tends to be more offensive, biased, and sexual so he's more for amusement than anything else at times... not that offensive, biased, and sexual is necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be more broad minded to read his entries. Like reading Maddox.